Although my role fluctuates from person-to-person, I feel like there is one thing that is consistent: I’m not allowed to be sad or depressed. Which is a shame because unfortunately that’s a huge part of my life. Not feeling like you can share “your darker side” with other people means that it’s a burden that you carry alone-which can make you feel all the worse.
Junior year of high school I was in group of friends where my role was being the overly flamboyant entertainment (as per usual). One time when a group of us were just hanging out talking the conversation got a bit more serious.
I let my guard down, took my mask off, I thought we had become close enough that it would be ok.
I disclosed that I had suicidal ideation. I was so taken back from the reactions I got. This one girl Courtney was so upset. I made her cry and she was angry at me.
I guess this is textbook borderline. Unconsciously, I was trying to avoid abandonment, and in fact that is exactly what I ensured.
Courtney didn’t want to be my friend after that day, or have any contact at all. We still had mutual friends, and I’d see her around all the time. She’d go out of her way to avoid talking to me, even making eye contact. There were times when she’d just be outright rude.
I was so confused and shocked at the time. I made myself vulnerable by telling her something personal about me and I was rejected. I remember thinking “what the fuck, I tell her I want to kill myself so her response is that she doesn’t want to be my friend? That’s fucked up! She cried like she was concerned, so why would she turn on me?”
This just enforced my feelings about being stuck in a role. I’m just the court jester, no feelings of my own. Hollow and empty, my facade must be pristine with superficiality.
Was Courtney a bitch? Damn straight! But I also see how BPD contributed to this. People can be jerks, you can’t control that. At the same time it’s not okay to blackmail people to keep them close-expect them to run away if you do that.
I didn’t know or understand at the time what I was doing. Isn’t crazy how looking back you can see your diagnosis in action.
Is it fair to call someone manipulative even when they aren’t conscious of it?